When You Hate Me So Good
by CHAILYN
Summary: Tag to Dark Side of the Moon. Dean contemplated heaven, and all the things he never know and just found out. M rating for liberal use of the F-word.
1. Chapter 1

_**When You Hate Me So Good **_

_Summary: Tag to Dark Side of the Moon. Dean contemplated heaven, and all the things he never know and just found out. M rating for liberal use of the F-word._

_Note: Nope, can't leave well enough alone. Once I did the one with Sam (Shameless plug time! "This Isn't A Happy Ending"), Dean was just itching to be written. And then I was listening to this song and BAM! Instant Ficcage. I keep this up and I'm gonna head back to school after Spring Break is up and majorly flunk my developmental psych exam. Oh, and right, I don't own Supernatural, but I did just buy this spanking awesome SN travel coffee cup that I'm super excited to use. _

_--_

_Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you_

_And all we've been through_

_I said leave it, leave it, leave it_

_There's nothing in you_

_And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, then hate me so good_

_That you just let me out, let me out, let me out_

_Of this hell when you're around_

_Let me out, let me out, let me out…_

-_Rootless Trees; Damien Rice_

Dean dropped into bed without a word to Sam, just dropping his bag to the floor and forgoing his usual bed routine. He wasn't in the mood to play around tonight.

It had been a silent drive, three long hours of nothing but Metallica, Sammy Hagar, and AC/DC until Dean finally decided to say fuck it-they didn't have anywhere they needed to be, and neither one of them could be cramped in that car with each other for a second longer. He pulled off and drove into the first crappy motel they hit, right off the I-190.

Home Sweet Home.

He hadn't had to fake sleep for very long before Sam crept off into the night. Did he have any idea where he was going? No, and he didn't really care. Maybe Sam was running off again, after all _that _was what made him happy. He'd hate for his brother to keep making himself miserable by spending time with him.

Dean had no idea how enlightening death would be until he got to heaven. He sure as hell never thought that heaven would fuck his life up a million plus times more than hell ever had. To that point, he didn't imagine that heaven would make him that much more miserable than hell-it practically had him wistful for the rack.

It hurt less.

He rolled out of bed, dressed in the jeans and shirt he'd fallen into bed wearing and sighed. What was he doing?

_How fucked up are you? _

"Yes." The words rolled off his tongue in an uncomfortable, awkward sort of way. Funny, he had always been good with yes, it was no that he spent his entire life struggling with.

'No' had always been easy for Sam. It just rolled right off of his tongue. It was amazing that wasn't his first word. But it had been a major one in his vocabulary not long after, and forever since then.

"Lucky for him." he muttered.

_Traitor_. Dean blinked away at the angry burning sensation in his eyes as he looked over at Sam's bed.

For all the moments that he knew that Sam had hated, he'd never thought he was one of them. He'd accepted that Sam never forgave their dad for some of the crap he threw at them, and he could understand that, sympathize with him but he couldn't understand this.

Never had he regretted one moment with Sam. He didn't hate what they had as kids. God knew, he would have given anything for them to have had that normal childhood with their mom and dad…but he never wanted to run away.

He loved Sam, and he'd always believed-even after Sam left, in some little place in his chest-that Sam was there for him. That if nothing else, they had each other. That was what the necklace was to him, their entire relationship rolled up and symbolized by one stupid necklace. It was that commitment that maybe, _maybe _they didn't have anyone else, and maybe they never would-but that Sam knew he'd always be there for him; stupidly enough, he thought that went both ways. He thought Sam was always going to be there for _him_, have his back.

Apparently that wasn't what Sam needed, or wanted.


	2. Alternate Ending

**Alternate Ending**

_Note: So, this is a first for me. Over the course of my long and sordid ficcing career I've never given an alternate ending to a fic, but I can't seem to let this go and dump it in the recycle bin like I've done three times-and then recovered. *rolls eyes* Yes, apparently I have issues with letting go._

_--_

Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket, flipping it open and making a call.

"Cas." Dean was half-surprised he even answered. His expectations hadn't been high after the way he'd poof-ed after they got back to ground zero.

"Now isn't a good time Dean." Cas paused.

"Yes." Dean said.

"Yes." Cas agreed, "Thank you for understanding-"

"No." Dean's voice was rough and gravely, blinking against the still burning feeling in his eyes. "Yes. Yes, Cas. I-I'll do whatever you guys want me to. Yes, yes, _yes_."

There was such utter silence that Dean thought Cas truly hadn't understood and hung up on him.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean flung his phone across the room, only realizing that he wasn't alone in the room when Castiel ducked the projectile.

Quickly, he wiped his sleeve across his eyes, rubbing away some of the moisture that had condensed at the corner of his eyes.

"So." Dean said. "What now?"

Castiel shook his head. "No, no Dean. You don't mean it."

"Fuck I don't. I do. Hell, I'll scream it from the rooftops if I have to, Cas." Dean's voice broke, "Yes. Yes…yes!"

"No." Cas told him. "I understand-"

"No." Dean said roughly, getting up from the bed and closing the gap between himself and Cas. "You're the one who doesn't understand. I'm done-finished. I-I told you…"

Dean paused, his voice cracking as he admitted the truth. "I told you. It's too much-too big. I can't do this, I can't do this alone."

"What do you mean? You're not alone Dean, you have your brother."

"Shut up." Dean's nose twitched angrily at the mention. Not anymore. "You're the one who said I had to do this-me. Not Sam and Dean-not a hunting trio-_me_."

"I was wrong." Castiel said calmly, and yet Dean could feel his eyes burning into him. "Where's Sam?"

"Don't know. It doesn't matter." Dean said, lips pulled tight over his teeth in frustration. "I thought this is what I'm supposed to do. What you want."

"You're upset." Cas stated.

"I'm pissed, okay?" Dean told him, "On levels you can not possibly fucking imagine, but I'm one hundred percent right in my head and I say yes, okay Cas? Y.E.S."

"Then…" Cas' voice trailed off, "I guess there's nothing left."

"No." Dean's voice was hollow. "Nothing."

"You might want to give your brother a running start." Castiel warned him. "He's your brother after all."

He knew he was going to regret it, but he couldn't pretend-he couldn't pretend he'd never heard it.

"What do you mean?" He asked quietly, practically whispering.

"The first thing Michael is going to do is kill him, and send him to hell. He won't have a chance." Cas paused, "Sam's earned a fighting chance, I think.",

Dean closed his eyes squeezing them shut tightly, and wishing he could empty out everything he'd seen, everything Cas had said as easily as not seeing Cas in front of him.

"Whatever you think you saw, Dean…" Cas told him quietly. "Heaven, and Zachariah above all, are not above playing tricks on your mind. Your not alone, and Sam-"

"Doesn't need me to take care of him." Dean said in a chilling tone. "Proved that one, haven't we Cas."

"You need each other now, more than ever." Cas told him, "Don't think that your brother feels any different about you than you feel about him-he's never doubted you, and he will lay down his life for you."

"How would you know?" Dean argued back, his voice thick.

"Because I've seen his soul. And I have faith, Dean-faith in you and Sam."


End file.
